Mars and Venus Grieving

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05/13/2010

Mars and Venus Grieving

Whilst doing some on-line readings about grief, some articles piqued my interest, particularly those by Tom Golden, LCSW, a psychotherapist and an expert in the field of death and dying for over 22 years, especially in the area of men's grief. He wrote several articles about the differences in coping behaviour between men and women. He also wrote that, although gender differences in coping do exist, we should not create solid divisions between men and women's responses to grief. Whilst honouring gender differences, we also respect that all individuals are unique in their healing responses with grief.

Some points of interest.

1. Men tend to be drawn together to connect and respond to grief through action, for example the tasks of coordinating the funeral services and rites. Women, on the other hand, are able to skilfully share and discuss their grief together. Tasks given to men function as "hooks" to facilitate their connection to their pain.

2. Men tend to link their grief towards a place, action or thing, which may be why men tend to visit gravesites more often than women, or carry out quiet activities to show their grief: for example, a man who wore his late father's watch. Women are more inclined towards linking their feelings and emotions to what they want to say and be able to share them with significant people in their lives.

3. When women experience grief, they tend to want to connect their pain with their intimacy to their significant others. Men tend to seek independence and find ways of healing in line with this desire. Connecting through and action, place or thing, may allow men to verbally share their thoughts and feelings Men's pain cannot be judged by how much it is shared with others, or by the abundance of tears.

4. The fight and flight syndrome so postulated regarding human kind, may not be true for women. Men when stressed, tend to either take a stand, or retreat, hence flight or fight. Women on the other hand, would tend (move towards supporting and nurturing those around them) or befriend (form connections with people with whom they feel safe and secure with). Oxytocin, a hormone which is believed to be linked towards facilitating calmness and lower stress levels, is amplified by oestrogen, but limited by testosterone. Oxytocin, incidentally is sometimes called the "cuddle hormone" and thought to be linked to maternal behaviour. Men would then tend to address their grief through tasks arranged to "fight" their stress, or may even retreat to come to terms with their grief.

So how do we cope with grief?

Posted at 11:52 PM in CASE MANAGEMENT, ELDERLY, FAMILY | Permalink

Tags: gender differences, Grief, social work, social worker, therapy