In my work with clients and families, I realised that most of these families have faced post traumatic stress in relation to events that have happened in their lives. Trauma that affects them, and poses challenges in their interpersonal relationships, as well as relationships with the environment. Traumatic events range from serious experiences with rape, family violence, accidents, sudden death of a loved one, to events which I mistakenly assumed were too "trivial" to be traumatic: failing an exam, discovery of an affair, etc
As a social worker, I begin to understand that there is a need to see how trauma is mapped in the individual and family's ecosystem and family history, and how it poses a challenge for individuals to cope with the demands of their environment. For example, a husband may find it difficult to allow his wife to work due to fears following a past event where he had lost his own mother, who suddenly suffered a heart attack at work when he was just 8 years old. He may stick fastidiously to this belief even though he is retrenched, unable to find employment, and his family is facing financial stress.
We may need to revisit how past trauma has changed our personality and our values, and how memories of it may still affect us now. We can be trapped in negative patterns of interaction, but we can also grow as human beings from these experiences.
From Johnson (2008:236) :
It is sometimes hard for us to acknowledge that we are wounded. We think that this makes us smaller or less admirable as human beings. Many of us keep those fears and doubts locked up inside, believing that letting ourselves feel is a sign of weakness that will undermine our strength when the monster returns. Some of us think that shutting down and keeping the monster isolated, in a box, is the only way to protect our home life. Soldiers talk about a code of silence and how they have to bury their deployment experiences to protect not just themselves, but their loved ones. They are encouraged to do so. And army chaplain once told me, "We tell the soldiers, "Don't tell your wives about your bad experiences, it will only scare and hurt them." And we tell the wives, "Don't ask questions about the battle. It will only bring those painful times back for your husbands."
But monsters don't stay in boxes. They get out. Such events forever alter how we see the world and how we see ourselves. Trauma shatters our assumptions that the world is just and life is predictable. After such experiences, the way we are with our lovers and the emotional signals we send them will be different. We are changed by the heat of the dragon's breath.
Reference:
Johnson, S. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company: New York (2008)
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