Recognising your demon dialogues

In her book "Hold Me Tight", Dr Sue Johnson (2008) talks about the typical 3 disruptive patterns of communication that couples may fall into that may affect their emotional connectedness in their relationships. She calls these patterns the Demon Dialogues. Recognising that these patterns, as opposed to the content of your discussions, are responsible for the deterioration of one's relationship presents the first step towards building healthy and sustainable couple relationships.

Demon Dialogue 1: Finding the Bad Guy

- This is when couples start to blame each other, coming up with new scenarios from the past to accuse one another for causing distress in the relationship. This has been played out in some of the couples I've worked with: 

Wife: A (husband) has never been a kind husband. Normally a husband should respect his wife. But here he is calling me names in front of my children. 

Husband: She is not a good wife, I expect her to be taking care of the children, but when I come home, here they are making noise, and shouting. She can't even discipline them. 

This pattern of constant attacking would then continue and even escalate to a point where both husband and wife would retreat in anger without resolving their issues. Although both sides are trying to protect themselves, they show in through attacking each other. 

Demon Dialogue 2: The Protest Polka

According to Dr Johnson, this is by far the most common pattern observed in stressed relationships. I would have to agree with her. The Protest Polka is characterised by one partner demanding connection from the other, and the other partner withdrawing from this demand by defending him or herself. 

This pattern may play out in the following way.

Jane: Why aren't you home early? are you still spending time with that colleague of yours. You prefer hanging out with that bitch more than hanging out with me!

John: How many times must I tell you, there is nothing between us. We are nothing but working colleagues. You don't even trust me!

In Jane's desires more emotional connection, but this is played out through her accusations of her husband's behaviour. John on the other hand, is unable to pick up on Jane's desires for connection, and misinteprets her concerns whether he is there for her, for a personal attack. He may grow increasingly upset and withdraw further from the relationship, shutting our further emotions from her. Jane may try to further incite any form of response from her husband, who would then further withdraw, and the spiral into relationship deterioration continues. Affairs may further develop. If this pattern continues, Jane may grow increasingly frustrated and despondent that her attempts  to connect are unsuccessful, and she may withdraw and give up on engaging John further. This may develop into the next pattern:

Demon Dialogue 3: Freeze and Flee.

In this pattern, both partners no longer try to accuse or incite any response from the other. The ominous silence between them is representative of the fact that they have given up trying to emotionally connect with the other. Both partners may feel vulnerable and disconnected, and may find that connection elsewhere, through other family members, or having affairs. Although there are no longer fights in the family, and it seems more peaceful, both partners are uncomfortable by this silence and lack of emotional connectedness.  

Do you engage in any of these patterns?

 

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