The Season of Change

It has been an interesting month so far for me. It seems that lately I have been imbued with godlike powers as evident by several requests exumplified below(and of course, the situations have been changed to protect identities, should you need to ask) :

"I want you to change my son's behaviour as I don't think he's making proper use of his time"

"I want you to speak to my wife, so that she does not continue her irritable behaviour"

"I want you to change my daughter, I don't think she is mature"

These are scenarios which rarely make an appearance in the many "counselling" training courses that we attend, in the past I used to think that most of such counselling sessions proceed smoothly, towards the picturesque ending I envision where the client thanks the social worker/counsellor profusely for the help rendered. 

The truth, unfortunately is further from the ideal, and several times it progresses like this:

"So how can I be helpful for you today?"

"I want you to change my son's behaviour. He is always doing _______ (A certain behaviour that is abhorred by the speaker"

"Hmm, just to address what you expect from this session. The purpose of counselling is not to change any specific behaviour, but to discuss ways of understanding this behaviour (cue some counselling jargon here). Counselling is more of a discussion of how we can explore the solutions to the problem.... (cue other textbook explanations here)"

"So are you saying that you can't change my son? Then for what I bring him here?!"

"Er..... Well, My role is not to change your son I guess, but to discuss about raising awareness."

"What's the point of discussing if it doesn't solve anything?"

".... Maybe we can start by getting all the family members together to talk about your son's issues?"

"What's the point of that? I'm not the one with the problem! He is! You should just be talking to him to change him!"

"....nice..."

I sometimes wonder whether such situations replicate themselves within the western context (where most counselling theories and philosophies originate), or do they manifest uniquely within Singapore's cultural environment, where people used seek "experts" such as religous leaders, or village chiefs, for direct advice and quick fix. I recall, in my fledgling years, my grandfather whispering to my mother when he assumed that I was out of earshot, to rub some strong smelling mixture of onions and other herbal remedies onto my face so that I would stop wailing. Well I did stop wailing long enough to hear the ominous discussion of my fate, only to resume upon face contact with them stinging onions. 

On the other hand, would it be wrong to also request for quick fixes when you seek help? You seek someone who has experience and expertise that you respect, then you just get a direct answer.

"I want you to change my son's behaviour!"

"Sure, get him to eat this onion. I have already chanted some possible changes he can adopt from the onion. After that his behaviour will change. If not, then increase the dosage to two onions!"

This scenario may be slightly unethical of course, since there's no evidence on the benefits of eating onions on behaviours. But following this, people would probably only follow such advice on the principle that the person disbursing the aforementioned advice is someone they look up to, and as a matter of reference, someone that others look up to. And following this argument, this person would probably have gained the trust through the following means:

1. A proven track record of helping people

2. person has many years of experience in helping people

3. Person exudes an air of authority, either through physical appearance, or mannerisms

 

Following this, a counselling session may just take 10 minutes

"I want you to change your son, oh wise looking man with many years of experience, and a proven track record!" (Bows Profusely)

"Rise, subject! Here: read this parenting manual. Use "I-Statements" for a week, and you will see the change you desire!"

"Thank you oh wise one!"

The unfortunate thing, is that most social workers, and counsellors (especially those working in the family service centres) are seldom able to fulfil two of the three ways to achieve that level of veneration. In a place where the average lifespan of a social worker is 3 years, it would be hard to show clients the level of experience one has. Most social workers (I hope myself included) within this short life span also look young and hence, may not be able to exude that air of authority to the older help seeking person. 

So, how do you negotiate this two different viewpoints. They do not necessarily fall under the different dichotomies of East vs West, or Directive vs Collaborative, but are in fact concepts that are fluid and overlapping. Someone may need direct advice on some matters, but may benefit from collaborative discussions on other aspects of the problem. 

Rather than just focusing on delineating my specific role and what I can or cannot do in the counselling process, what I instead found more useful nowadays is the use of reflexive dialogue to first discuss and contemplate on the expectations of the client in coming to seek help, as well as the an in depth discussion on the concept of change as perceived by the different members who experience this problematic behaviour. 

Through this philosophy I may then decide to offer some practical advice, and yet allow the client to reflect on how the problematic situation is maintained within the context of the individual, family, culture, and society. This would probably be helpful in creating that "track record" that would enable me to gain some kind of "authority" on the matter of helping people. 

But then again, I may be wrong, being someone of limited experience, and unfit to kiss the feet of the so called gurus of help. 

 

 

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