It is easy for us to start dismissing and disliking people. We do it by ascribing labels on behaviours we find upsetting. The problem with labels is that, once placed, we start to be blind to the range of behaviours or state- of-being that lie outside the label's "sphere of influence" (for want of a better word).
Labels can be infectious. Although we tell ourselves that we are going to know the person first before following the label, we are inevitably affected. The moment we see a behaviour that may fit the label, the person's future in our mental schema is set. Perhaps the first step is to acknowledge that labelling occurs as opposed to telling ourselves that we would not be influenced by it.
I am no stranger to this experience, and still very much struggle to see people beyond their labels. However, in my personal experiences, some of my greatest friendships have been made with people whom I had disliked and labelled, but stumbled into accidental ways of knowing different aspects of the person that connected with me.
As I reflected on this accidental turning points in these meaningful and enduring relationships, I thought about possible meaningful relationships I could have made with others who were dismissed by the labels I made of them. How then, can we intentionally make effort towards opening up possibilities for meaningful relationships in life situations where labelling is entrenched?
Influenced by Narrative Ideas, I found the following questions useful as reflection points to run through whenever I start telling myself I dislike a person.
1. What is the name, label or expression that you have that describes a characteristic (or characteristics) that you dislike about the person?
e.g. This person has a "cannot-stop-giving-advice" problem
2. What are specific instances or events where this characteristic was able to show itself?
E.g.: Every time we have a gathering, this person would start dishing out advice to me as if I do not know how to run my own life. This came out strongly in the last gathering we had...
3. Take some time to reflect on the characteristic(s) (and the events where this characteristics came out to upset you). What is it about them that affect you so much? What does you feeling upset tell you about what you value, and what you expect others to value? What is the history of your relationship to this value?
e.g. I have had difficult experiences in my own past where members of my family would keep giving advice, whenever I shared about the struggles I was experiencing. These experiences made me feel small, and I decided that I would keep all these emotions and issues to myself. As a result of going through these experiences, I had also learnt the value and importance of listening. Whenever I notice someone not listening in a certain standard I had established, I begin to write off the person.
4. Are there instances where this person did something that was outside the characteristic you described? If there was, what other names would you give these other characteristics?
e.g. There are are several characteristics that this person has that I can start to talk about: e.g. His value of putting family first in his life, and his value of helpfulness, etc.
5. When you think of this person and the many characteristics that this person has (on top of the characteristic you defined in Inquiry 1), what understandings might you have about what this person values or believes in?
e.g. I guess at some level his giving of advice is part of the bigger value of trying to be kind to others...
6. How has this entire process made a difference regarding how you see this person? How would they make a difference on how you would want to continue your relationship with this person?
e.g. If I just focus on him just wanting to give advice, it will certainly be detrimental to our relationship, especially in relation to my own history with advice-giving. There are certainly traits worth connecting with, and perhaps I can explore my own relationships to these useful skills.
Do note that these maps of inquiry are not foolproof. There are times when going through it does not open up any possibilities of meaningful relationships I could have with the person. In situations like this, it might possibly be wise to just avoid him or her. ;)
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