“They tell me this place is keras, lots of Jinn and ghosts around,” Rosli started, opening his cracked lips take a long drag of his rolled-up cigarette.
“But I tell them this is all bullshit. I got sleep under trees, near the toilet. Even Sembawang park, near the Mandai Crematorium, nothing also. No Pontianak or Pochong, and I can sleep very well. Actually, nothing to be afraid of la. Even if we see all these beings, why do we need to be afraid? We are better off than them! We can walk around in this world and touch our feet on this ground, feel the air, and breathe.
“These beings, they should be jealous of us, because they are stuck in between this world or the next. If they can walk in this world, you would see them walking around in the day, right? Why should we be scared of them then? So funny to see people afraid of things they never see before, but life is like that right? Some more, some of these people are those who pray regularly.
“I’m not religious, I mean, I still feel I am Muslim lah, but I never pray or go to masjid. My wife left me because of religion. She wanted somebody who pray five times a day and someone who can guide her. She said that I’m not the kind of husband that will lead her to Jannahand find heaven. I told her that I am working so hard to take care of her and our son, and I already love and sayangher by listening to her and trying to spend time with family. I tried to be religious la, but you know, when I was young, I had no one to teach me about solator the Quran, no one to guide me. My mother teach me: just try to be a good person, and that is good enough. How I know that you also need to be religious on top of being a good person? I need time to train myself in this.
“So one day my wife, she decided to be with another man. I found out she was with him whenever I was out with my son. She said he is more religious, although he was married. In my opinion, I just think it was because he was more handsome than me la, and he was a smooth talker, can psychoher. Maybe his kiss was nicer. That time, it was bloody painful, I think my heart really break into a thousand pieces. That’s when I started getting into trouble, meet some friends who also ask me to take Subutex.
“Now? I think ok la, I don’t feel anything. I feel free, I go as where I want. Money, I have a bit. Find work, odd jobs here and there. I don’t eat so much. Cigarettes more important: I can go one day without eating, but one day without cigarette I will die. Don’t need to pity me, I don’t need that.
“Sometimes I still hear all this nonsense about how I deserve this shit because I not religious. I hear from the same people who say they are trying to sayangme. This are the same bastards who think they are looking out for me. Sad also that sometimes I hear all this from my own sister. Disappointing you know? This people, my blood, my friends, you actually want them to be on your side. But they judge you, but they should look at themselves in the mirror first.
“I am not a bad person okay? I still remember my mother’s words and try to be a good person. I don’t disturb others. I sleep outside because I don’t want to disturb my mother and my stepfather in their 2-room flat, they are both old already. I sleep in Bishanpark but doesn’t mean I go bother others or steal other people’s money or food. I don’t deal with drugs and all that shit now. That’s what the police accuse me when they come and wake me up. They ask me to open my bag, and open my wallet, see if there are any drug inside. By right, police supposed to take care of people, but they disturb me, and tell me I cannot sleep here. But where can I go? Can they help me find a place to live? They just want me out of the way, out of their eyes.
“Take drugs? For what I take drugs? All these things are useless la. The reason I decide to live alone and live outside, is so I don’t have to meet and hang around with bad influence. This people, they say they are my friends, but they want to sell you pills, ask you to drink with them. Once you start taking, then jahanamla, you will start the road down to hell. One or two at first but got one time I take more than 10 pills in one shot. I went to jail 3 times, the third time was long-term, 5 years. Once I came out, I decided that I had enough of this nonsense. I want to start my life fresh. That time when my wife left me, my brain became like rojak, all messed up. I needed something to help make me happy. I thought it was things outside my brain that can make me happy: go drinking, take drugs, go Batamfind women.
“But when you are really rock-bottom, that’s when you learn all these things outside don’t mean a thing. When I went to prison, I lost everything, but I found myself. I managed to de-tox la, but I started to think about myself. Who am I? All these things, they are not me. I used to hear all these voices in my head - telling me to be angry la, to beat up someone la, to buy this, buy that. But those voices, they are not me. I am the one hearing the voices, and I am the one letting these voices bother me. When I realized this, the voices become less powerful, the me become more powerful.
“That’s when I decide - Okaylah, I will just live my life the best as I can, stay away from all these outside problems. Except cigarette la, cigarettes still okay. I learn to just be okay with what I have at this moment in time. No need to think so much about the past, no need to worry so much about the future. Just do what you need to do in the present.
“Last time, the past always comes to scare me. I will think about my wife la, how she dumped and desert me. I will remember my late father, when I was young, I remember how he whack me jialat jialat. People whack with belt now, already considered abuse. But he whacked me with the belt buckle at the end, even worse right? One time I was playing in the house when he was doing his painting, he hit me with the paintbrush so many times, that I look like mat salleh, more white than brown. Now when I say it, we both can laugh, but that time, it was very shameful. Paint was not easy to come off, my mother had to wash it away later in the day with turpentine.
“In the past when I go to school, many cane marks were on my leg, I think can see more marks than my own skin. When the teachers saw, they said, “Serve you right for not listening to your father!” Last time was very different. They don’t care whether you study or not, they just say that you are a good for nothing, when you screw up.
“My father? Yeah, I think he is a nice man la, but when trying to be nice he did a lot of horrible things. He say he wanted what’s best for us, but his best become my worst. He wanted me to do well in school, and don’t get into trouble, so he think when he whack me, I will learn and listen to him. But when he whack, I think I become more afraid of going home, and mixed with other children who taught me things like skipping school, and smoking. I think I love him, but I hate him more, sometimes I feel like my head is rubber band, thinking whether or not I love him. But I hate him so much too, what he did to me, and my family. I cannot tell him this, because he die when I was sailing.
“He wanted to start a business, selling pitas, but no money. Took money from my mother and borrowed money from Ah Longto support the business. These loan sharks are smart you know, they won’t lend you money if they cannot earn. They give you high interest. So, my father, he cannot pay back, start to owe them money. I still remember how all the Ah Longwill come to our home in Toa Payoh, knocking on the door like a mad man asking for their money back. My family: my brother, my sister and my mother, we all lie in the same bed, so scared. We were all so scared. My father? He wasn’t even home to do anything to help us. Maybe out with his friends, or maybe out with another woman. Even now I hear this knocking in my head, even though there is no door where I am sleeping. Maybe that’s why I like to sleep outside, I can just run anywhere if I want. No one to knock on any door.
“My father not only whack me and my siblings, but also whacked my mother. Sometimes when I remember all this, I wish I can go back in time to give him one time good one. We had to sell our flat in Toa Payoh, the money he took to pay the Ah Long. We had to live separately, I stayed with my uncle. That one? Worse la! At least my father got reaction, my uncle did not give a damn about what I do. I can be there, or don’t come home, he also don’t care.
“The past make me feel like I am so helpless and weak. Last time, I didn’t know got social workers like you, who can come to find people to help them, even find us in the park, like now. If I knew, I would have asked you all for help then. That was when I really needed help. I kenaso much abuse when I was young, that I tried to make my life better by working hard – I work on many ships for many years before I got married. That time, I was young, of course I need help la. How to protect myself from all the whacking I get?
Now, what can you do for me? Can you get me a house? When I went to housing board, they asked me what I did with the money from my house after my divorce. I bought a house in Batam with my new girl, I tell them. But I sold that house, she left me when I couldn’t give her enough money. They ask me: show the proof that I sold my house. How to show proof? Batam is not like Singapore, there is no proper document, when you buy or sell the house. I want to apply for a rental flat but need to have another name to apply with me. My son, now he don’t want to live with me, how to get another name? You want to put me with another stranger? That one will cause much more trouble again. It’s ok. I don’t need any more trouble. Trouble stopped finding me, so I don’t want to look for it. I look for other things, to help me. Look for jobs.
“On the ships, I did odd jobs here and there, you will be surprised by all the shit I can do. Help to clean toilet, carry boxes, I even help to fish, something not many Singaporeans got do. When I finally earn enough to come back, I think I could start a new life with my wife. I thought I can treat her better than how my father treated her. I also wanted to treat my son differently. Being a boy who kenaabused, I know how important it is for us to treat our children properly. Cannot treat them like animals, all this trauma will come and affect them you know. They come in nightmares, and also change the way we see the world. Don’t ask me about my nightmares anymore.
“You really want to waste your time on me meh? I am in my 40s already, not sure what you can help me with. You should be helping all those families in those rental blocks there. So many abuse and drug problems happening there. Gangs walking around, you all don’t see and don’t know, but they are there. Children are not safe. Maybe you should get your people to go there and help more.
“I tried to change, believe me. But when she left me, my life became tahi again. Then become worse with the drug problem, and prison. Sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga, you know? I really fell down the stairs, and I think at the worst point of my life.
“My hopes? I don’t think I need to hope anymore. Don’t get me wrong: it’s not like I want to die or kill myself. Everybody is chasing some hope or another. Chase money, chase big house, chase wife, chase family. I gave up chasing. When I decide to give up chasing, suddenly this peace is there, you know. No need to plan so much about the future, just happy with what I have now. You see, this sunset, so beautiful, but no one bother to stop and see. See that guy? Walking fast, rushing to some place, either rushing home or rushing to work. Looking at this handphone. You think he can see the sunset? He is like a robot. I can just sit here and enjoy this view. See the light touch the leaves. The leaves, the colour is different at different times in the day. You see how the leaves will move together with the tree. The trees have different personality. This tree got more energy that the other one, that one is a bit tired. If you don’t look and listen, you will not notice these things. You feel that? That’s the cool wind coming, starting to blow when the night start to come. I can notice this now. Now my heart is still, and I can see clearly.
“Can la, you can come and find me again; you want to check on how I’m doing, that’s ok. I can’t promise you that I will still be here. Go where? I don’t know, I just go where I feel. I got some work at the laundry place tomorrow, earn some money. I still need to makanand smoke. After that, maybe I sleep at the store, maybe I go Bedokat rest. Or maybe come back here, here easier, because I can bathe in my mother’s house. See how lor.
“Am I happy now? You heard my story already mah. You tell me la.”
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