STOREEZ

Narrative therapy with Men who use Violence

Presentation at the National Family Violence Networking System Conference 2022

Slides: Download Narrative Therapy with Men who use Violence

Journey Tool Handout: Download Fareez Handouts

 

(Will add a writeup here soon)

Simple Words

"Hello I Love you!"

Were simple words that came out of my Father in Law's lips the moment he saw his first born daughter (who happened to be my wife). I watched the scene unfold as father embraced daughter for a split moment before he sauntered happily into the kitchen, only to come out looking grumpy  with a large pail of water to clean some faeces that the neighbour's cat had unceremoniously donated on the doorstep of his flat. 

Latter event notwithstanding, that split second embrace and the response he received from his daughter was a priceless observation. The  glow and glimmer of a smile from my wife, and the validation of love she received from her father. 

The use of simple words to remind her of the love and bond, simple words that we sometimes forget or even lack the courage to muster.

To remind our loved ones that we care and recognize their efforts at caring and loving us. 

To let them know they still matter to us.

 

For Couples: Approaches that Usually do not Work

In his work with couples, Brian Cade (1993) would give a handout listing the things that usually do not work, when you are trying to change the behaviour of someone you love:

 

1. The unsolicited Lecture

This includes long drawn out advice given for "their own good", nagging, giving hints, begging and pleading etc. Repeating or escalating punishments also tend not to work, and usually lead to escalation of the problem behaviour. 

 

 

2. Taking the High Moral ground

This is when you take a position  where you imply that you are in possession of the truth, and you know how things are supposed to be, implying superior knowledge, abilities or morals. You use phrases like "anyone with commonsense would know that..." or "If you really loved me..."

 

 

3. Self Sacrifice/Denial

You take a stance of sacrificing your own happiness for the sake of others, making sure of tending to the other person's feelings at all times. You protect others from the consequences of their actions, and you are always trying to please everyone. 

 

 

4. Demanding that the other person "Do things spontaneously"

This is when you want not only for the person to do something or change her attitude, but that she do it because she herself wants to do it. For e.g "I want to show me more love. But I want you to do it because you want to".

If you want to change someone, most likely you want them to change and obey to what you think is right. Usually it does not work, and usually the best you can get from the person is obedience. But most people don't like to be obedient? 

 

 

So... you are probably saying "hey! Ok i guess what i'm using doesn't work, so what should I do?"

 

 

Well, Just try something different,

 

 

and you tell mewhat works. 

 

 

 

Going to play Soccer now! 

 

 

The "look helpless" method... just might work..

 

 

 

Family Violence: What the F*** is Wrong With You!?!

 

All training workshops on family violence have always focused on our first raw impressions about incidences of violence. I, for one, continually am perplexed and angry whenever I hear of incidences of family violence (spousal and elderly). And why not, since the base plot of many moving and heart wrenching movies pervades obviously in such cases: where someone "weaker" (physically or economically) is undermined and oppressed unfairly by someone more powerful. Such is the basis of many revolutions and revenge flicks of now, that we cannot help but feel a strong sense of injustice whenever we witness it. 

Hence, even more difficult when we try to intervene with the perpetrator of violent behaviour, who is usually a Man. Before we meet him, we have already formed stereotypes of a drunk heavy set low intelligence, and impatient person, whom we would approach with great condescension and a large degree of apprehension. It's hard to see them in a non judgemental way. 

Recognising your demon dialogues

In her book "Hold Me Tight", Dr Sue Johnson (2008) talks about the typical 3 disruptive patterns of communication that couples may fall into that may affect their emotional connectedness in their relationships. She calls these patterns the Demon Dialogues. Recognising that these patterns, as opposed to the content of your discussions, are responsible for the deterioration of one's relationship presents the first step towards building healthy and sustainable couple relationships.

2-year anniversary

Today, or rather yesterday, marks my 2 year anniversary of marriage to my dear wife Shidah, not counting the total 8 years I've known her. Marriage is never an easy road, but the ups far outweigh the downs; I consider myself blessed that I married my best friend, someone who not only tolerates my antics, but also joins in them as well.. 

Teen Moms

 

Maci (teen mom) with Bentley
 

Was watching the finale of Teen Moms on MTV, where this Dr Drew guy was interviewing the teen moms who were featured in the series. Issues of teen violence, couple relationships, and of course, transitions into parental responsibility were highlighted during this review episode. The responsibilities of child rearing proved daunting for these mothers whose development life spans were accelerated from angst ridden teen to  responsible mother, with far reaching consequences. As the ad for the programme went: when a teen is pregnant, the whole family is affected. 

Gary Chapman: The 5 Love Languages, a review

Gary Chapman's book is a useful tool that I also employ for some of my clients. It's an easy to understand book, with plenty of useful ideas. Generally Chapman (2004) distinguishes Real Love from the state of Being "In Love", which is the infatuation period of being in a temporal state of emotional high. Real Love, he argues, takes more effort to build and maintain, and he proposes identifying your own love language (i.e. the mode of interaction where you feel most loved) and also finding out your partner's love language, in order to maintain a strong and loving relationship with your significant other that lasts. 

The 5 Love Languages include:

Couples: Read this first!

You know I'm not a psychotherapist, but social workers in the community setting in Singapore also double up as counsellors for residents in need of such services. Psychotherapy skills are also important in working with families facing multiple difficulties in the community, where counselling is also combined with case management. 

When working with people, knowledge in counselling theories and skills are important, be it for the business manager, husband, insurance agent, teacher, and social worker. 

These ramblings are excerpts from personal experiences, research and popular readings which I think would be useful to most. =)

Personally I don't consider myself an expert, in fact I don't think anyone is: we are the experts of our own lives, no matter what most people would say. Therapists, Counsellors and Social Workers merely facilitate this process.