STOREEZ

A Map for Managing Risk in Intimate Partner Violence.

 

Just thought of submitting another reflection  on working with family violence. This has been a topic that has held more meaning for me over recent years in practice. 

My experience as a social worker has made me realise the complexities of family violence. This work is rendered all the more onerous when as social workers, we have to put on the hat of social justice and determine the level of risk when family violence is present. This risk assessment would involve assessing the intensity of the abuse and how likely it is to happen again. It is also not uncommon for us to have protocols that may include working towards separating the victim from the abusive situation and attempt to influence her to apply for a personal protection order (in the case of intimate partner violence).

Lessons from Fikri: Storytelling

 

I was attempting to play the role of the normative (TV-defined) father to my 17 month old boy, placing him securely in my lap with the book "Little Bear won't sleep" (a 9-month-birthday gift from his mother). I was happily reflecting on the aptness of the title, especially since this little bear of mine fights and struggles to stay awake each night. This culminates in a process where he has to be led bawling by me into a darkened room, and treated to a 30 minute to one hour exercise of carrying and lullabye-singing to put him to sleep (another story for another time). 

Narrative practices when working with Family Violence

 

 

Mimi Kim's website Creative Interventions  provides an interesting and alternative way of tackling interpersonal violence in the community. Instead of focusing on individualised services and state intervention, the focus is on mobilising the community to take up responsibility in addressing violence. 

Education and resources are shifted back to families and communities to address violence at various stages of abuse. A user-friendly tool kit is also made available for free! This for me, is refreshing in a world where some pockets of practitioners tend to keep important knowledges away from others in the interest of maintaining copyright. 

 

Conversations with the Mother

 

How conversations with my mother play out:

Simple Words

"Hello I Love you!"

Were simple words that came out of my Father in Law's lips the moment he saw his first born daughter (who happened to be my wife). I watched the scene unfold as father embraced daughter for a split moment before he sauntered happily into the kitchen, only to come out looking grumpy  with a large pail of water to clean some faeces that the neighbour's cat had unceremoniously donated on the doorstep of his flat. 

Latter event notwithstanding, that split second embrace and the response he received from his daughter was a priceless observation. The  glow and glimmer of a smile from my wife, and the validation of love she received from her father. 

The use of simple words to remind her of the love and bond, simple words that we sometimes forget or even lack the courage to muster.

To remind our loved ones that we care and recognize their efforts at caring and loving us. 

To let them know they still matter to us.

 

I like the way it hurts

 

 

Eminem's video "I Love the way you lie" has received considerable flak from several critics who feel that it glorifies domestic abuse in households. In the video, actors Megan Fox and Dominic Monaghan reenact Eminem's own abusive relationship with his wife. Feminists are angered with Rihanna's response to the abuse (herself a victim of violence by Chris Brown), where she loved the "way it hurts", and still remains in the abusive relationship.

I follow up from my previous post on family violence, with the feminist perspective that violence represents an issue of power and control where physical dominance and cultural clout is used to subjugate the oppressed gender. As much as there are elements of power and control, I think eminem's video brings in the idea that the violence and turmoil in relationships is as much an interactional process where the patterns of violence tends to continue. 

Family Violence: What the F*** is Wrong With You!?!

 

All training workshops on family violence have always focused on our first raw impressions about incidences of violence. I, for one, continually am perplexed and angry whenever I hear of incidences of family violence (spousal and elderly). And why not, since the base plot of many moving and heart wrenching movies pervades obviously in such cases: where someone "weaker" (physically or economically) is undermined and oppressed unfairly by someone more powerful. Such is the basis of many revolutions and revenge flicks of now, that we cannot help but feel a strong sense of injustice whenever we witness it. 

Hence, even more difficult when we try to intervene with the perpetrator of violent behaviour, who is usually a Man. Before we meet him, we have already formed stereotypes of a drunk heavy set low intelligence, and impatient person, whom we would approach with great condescension and a large degree of apprehension. It's hard to see them in a non judgemental way. 

On Trauma

 
 

In my work with clients and families, I realised that most of these families have faced post traumatic stress in relation to events that have happened in their lives. Trauma that affects them, and poses challenges in their interpersonal relationships, as well as relationships with the environment. Traumatic events range from serious experiences with rape, family violence, accidents, sudden death of a loved one, to events which I mistakenly assumed were too "trivial" to be traumatic: failing an exam, discovery of an affair, etc

2-year anniversary

Today, or rather yesterday, marks my 2 year anniversary of marriage to my dear wife Shidah, not counting the total 8 years I've known her. Marriage is never an easy road, but the ups far outweigh the downs; I consider myself blessed that I married my best friend, someone who not only tolerates my antics, but also joins in them as well.. 

Mars and Venus Grieving

Whilst doing some on-line readings about grief, some articles piqued my interest, particularly those by Tom Golden, LCSW, a psychotherapist and an expert in the field of death and dying for over 22 years, especially in the area of men's grief. He wrote several articles about the differences in coping behaviour between men and women. He also wrote that, although gender differences in coping do exist, we should not create solid divisions between men and women's responses to grief. Whilst honouring gender differences, we also respect that all individuals are unique in their healing responses with grief.