Someone I know passed away this week, someone who played a part in my leadership journey. I won't say that I know him well, neither would I say that he was particularly influential in shaping my life. Nonetheless, I think it important that I preserve some insights I gleaned from him in my short experience with him, especially since they are still being practiced by myself in my own leadership journey.
One might be wondering why in the world is this Singaporean social worker in Jerusalem. Unfortunately, a specific answer to the question would probably not be found in this post (perhaps a later one). For the time being, will just be sharing certain key experiences worth documenting.
I was attempting to play the role of the normative (TV-defined) father to my 17 month old boy, placing him securely in my lap with the book "Little Bear won't sleep" (a 9-month-birthday gift from his mother). I was happily reflecting on the aptness of the title, especially since this little bear of mine fights and struggles to stay awake each night. This culminates in a process where he has to be led bawling by me into a darkened room, and treated to a 30 minute to one hour exercise of carrying and lullabye-singing to put him to sleep (another story for another time).
Contrary to my prior posts, the open expression of emotions and appreciation is not something easily done by myself (we could have a discussion on whether its related to my culture, or my own historical upbringing, but that would probably have to be another post by itself.)
How then do we honour the work of someone who had been instrumental in our personal development and professional growth? A post to acknowledge the gifts of knowledge received might do the trick.
Here are the list of things I've learnt under Mr Chua, and gifts I hope to pass on to the "next generation" of social workers:
1. Believing that everyone has their strengths and ability to play an important organisational role.
2. Constantly question certainty and, more importantly, critically assess the structures that maintain certainty.
3. Inspire people to be the best that they can be, as opposed to forcing them to do things against their will.
4. Don't sweat on small things that would not make a difference in the larger scheme of things.
5. Manage upwards and downwards
6. Be accessible to your colleagues
7. Reflect on the implications of your decisions. If making decisions is like playing a game of chess, reflect on 2-3 moves in advance.
8. An inaction can be a powerful action.
9. There is no set template of interventions for our clients. It's usually good to start where our clients are and plan interventions and positions that fit.
10. When you are not in crisis, you are not improving
I was enjoying my usual Sunday game of Floorball, and was preparing to leave the courts in Kallang area, when I saw a fellow floorballer (you might want to google floorball if you are not sure what this sport is about) leaving the area.
Thinking of wanting to do some good, I called out to him and found out that since he was going to the MRT train station, I could give him a lift.
What I didn't realise however, was how different the area now was, with the spanking new Sports Hub being recently opened and all. I managed to get myself lost in a sequence of multiple roundabouts, and almost entered the expressway.
I was rather apologetic to the guy, and he was really nice about it. After some discussion i realised that the station was actually nearer to the floorball court area than I previously though, a u turn and another sequence of roundabouts later, we finally found a place that he could alight. Unfortunately he still had to walk some distance to the station.
He was really nice about it, thanked me and got on his way. As I sat in my car, partly due to my strained thighs, but mostly to reflect on what happened, I thought a bit of some "life lessons" I could draw from this incident:
You left us on a Tuesday. Only two days before that I saw you lying in your bed, in pain. You were sleeping when I was about to leave, so I did not want to wake you. As if you knew, you grunted at me as I turned my back, reaching out your hand. I held it as I kissed your forehead. That would be the last time. I will treasure that simple memory.
I happened to have had the opportunity to facilitate a group discussion during a recent Singapore Conversation under the Singapore Association of Social Workers, where my group moved to talk about whether we as a Singaporean society were caring enough for disadvantaged groups in the community.
Was a bit disappointed with the outcome of the conversation, as no clear outcomes or directions were delineated. It developed into the usual discussion of whether one should depend on the government to set directions, or whether the community (of Singaporeans, social workers, etc) can be empowered to better support disadvantaged persons in the community. But of course, realistically speaking, one might not have much expectations when partaking in a time limited endeavour where topics such as "Whether the disadvantaged were being cared enough Singapore" could only spark general conversations.
Dear Fikri,
Your arrival was nothing short of a miracle. In fact, I stood in stunned silence as I witnessed the incredible process of which you were squeezed out of your dear mother. And your mother, how much awe I suddenly had of her (not that there wasn't much awe to begin with), which culminated into the current profound respect I have of women now.
I held you in my arms, toying with internal schemas and dilemmas of possible future events at this current new transition point of my life. Seeing you so vulnerable, made me want so much to make damn sure that nothing hurts you. I remembered my own trials and tribulations, and hoped so much that you would not have to go through what I went through. The world can indeed be a harsh place, with dubious personas wielding multiple agendas.
But then I remembered: its true these things hurt, but they were lessons to learn. The cuts make us stronger, and the wounds make us wiser. Provided we forgive and love ourselves to heal. And although some characters are suspect, there are people who are so beautiful that we would miss whatever warmth and knowledge they can provide us if we do not open our hearts to them.
It would be a disfavour to protect you from the harsh realities of transitions and potential heartbreaks. What I can only promise, is to be there to wipe your tears, and (still tentative) attempt to give you a manly hug during those rainy days. What I might do better might be to wrestle you whilst my body allows me to.
What I can offer you, if you so choose to hear, is some "fatherly advice" learnt directly from the school of hard knocks. They might not be the 10 commandments, but they helped me through life fair enough:
Advice 1: Love your mother
Your mother may potentially be the most irritating person to you in the entire planet, but love her all the same. Noone will ever come close to this person who will happily clean the snot from your nose, and the poo from your behind. Noone will be so anxious about how you are doing, and whether you are wearing the right clothes at any particular time. Most of all, love your mother, as I love her, for being the better half in raising you.
Advice 2: Be Uncertain
Certainty gives us blind confidence. Unquestioning loyalty may potentially lead to the abuse of power. Labels are but labels, as people transcend such compartmentalised definitions created by us. Be true to your name, and reflect on your actions and perceptions. Be surprised by people, be willing to take calculated risks.
Advice 3: Whenever someone irritates you, try your best to know this person better
For this is how I made some of the best friends in the world.
Advice 4: Let humour be a mainstay in your life.
How else would you be able to see the silver linings of those cloudy days? Humour will diffuse those uncomfortable silences, bring cheer to your loved ones, and help chase away the anxieties blocking your way towards solving many of life's problems. Have fun, play, it's ok to be stupid, sometimes.
Advice 5: Be Humble
For your father is the most humble around (see advice 4). Humility helps remind us that good things are a blessing, and that there are others worse off than us. Humility then helps us reflect on how we can start to help others. And we should be doing that shouldn't we, helping others?
Advice 6: Do stuff for the right reasons
As long as our intentions are well meaning, things will hopefully fall into place.
Advice 7: Know that I love you
Last but not least. I might not show it. It might sometimes seem that I mean otherwise. I might unfortunately miss some things that you hoped I'd be around for (sorry, will try my best not to). But know that deep down inside, daddy loves his wee little boy.
With Love
Your Daddy
Fareez
In a bid to keep up my postings, I decided to take the liberty to just list down some life rules I would like to think I live by. Perhaps one day I would have the chance to write more about them.
In no particular order:
Do no harm (am sure this one's a surprise)
Be uncertain (and you would be amazed how much you would be able to learn, and how new opportunities open up.)
Be humble (like me, the most humble guy around)
Be the difference (to make a difference)
Hang around where you are wanted (or at least appreciated)
Be with the people you love, and love you in return
Doesn't hurt to be nice (No, really it doesn't)
You can tolerate disrespect once, and once only.
After every suffering, there is usually relief
When there is relief, brace and prepare yourself emotionally and physically for future suffering
Change is an inevitable constant
As long as your intentions are pure, just and ethical, you are probably on the right track (this seems to overlap with "Do No Harm".
Stop sometimes to smell the roses
Things you do can be streamlined into 2 categories: 1. Things you love, and 2. Things you don't. Do more of 1.
Be thankful for the good things in life (sounds like one of those spam emails you get, but that is just evidence that this statement is true!)
Love your family (and your wife!)
Done with smelling the roses, now back to work for me... :(
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